Worked on building a metal cabinet for my craft room / office a couple of days ago. I worked on it with my fiance. He is, without a doubt, one of the most patient people I have ever known. And that is important, because, well, ME!
I guess you should know that I'm used to leading projects. I typically will have a rough idea in my brain of how the process will go [because I've read assembly instructions or have done a similar project in the past, etc.] and I sometimes struggle with deviating from that if it seems that my way should work.
How It Started
The build started well enough. I unpacked everything and we brought it into the living room for assembly. I started out the assembly process on my own because it was only a matter of a couple screws in a narrow space. Then, it was time to assemble the sides. I struggled to get the screws to go in easily so he suggested a pre-drill of sorts in the receiving panel. I was fine with that and it worked out great.
Next, we stood the shell up and spent time trying to decide if we should install the top next or the bottom front panel. Started with the top. It was too difficult to try to screw in from underneath (the cabinet is shorter than I am by about 3-4"), so, we flipped the whole thing upside down and I sat on the floor screwing the top into place.
The Middle
By this time, it had been a good 45 minutes and I was just starting to get irritated that it was taking so long to put together. Now mind you, I'm the one who opted for the metal "some assembly required" version. It was much less expensive than a wood one that we could have purchased locally (and had delivered) already assembled.
I must have commented on the fact that I made the wrong choice roughly a dozen times during this middle phase of assembly!
Anyway, the next step was for me to stand on the still-upside-down cabinet's top (yes, I was IN the cabinet shell) and screw in the front panel at the bottom of the cabinet. It was a VERY narrow area and I was constantly having to move my shoulders around so they weren't getting beat up by the bottom framework. That I was stuck up in. Because the cabinet was upside down. *sigh*
FINALLY, we got that portion together and, because I thought it would be best, we carried the still-a-little-flimsy cabinet into my craft space/office so we could set it in place and finish the install.
The Problematic, EXTREMELY Uncooperative Shelves
By this time, we'd been working on assembling this bleeping cabinet for about an hour and a half, but it was finally time for the shelves. OMG! We discussed shelf height. Measured the ones I had been using. Determined what would work better in the new cabinet. Put in the first two clips and the game was on.
I counted the number of slots between each shelf on each side. Set in all the clips for all three shelves. Figured I'd start with the bottom shelf since they have to go in at an angle and all of that nonsense. Nope! Wobbled. Pulled the shelf back out. Recounted the empty slots all the way around for the second time! One clip was off. Moved it and reset the shelf. Nope! WOBBLED!
We decided to do a different shelf. Same thing happened!!
I could feel the anxiety rising. I could feel my blood pressure rising, too. I think I counted the slots six or eight times. STILL WOBBLED! *palm to head* ... too bad I don't drink any more.
It was at this point I realized that if I didn't ask him to take over, I was going to end up throwing at least one shelf across the not-very-big room and I was going to start screaming and cussing and would have had a major come-apart.
You need to understand that it is exceptionally difficult for me to ask for help. I've been self-reliant for decades now and consequently have grown even more independent than ever. In the past, my anxiety and anger would have just taken over. It was never pretty but usually only affected me.
He stepped in. Figured out which clips were off and finally got the other shelves installed.
Then, we hung the doors (EASIEST part of the whole thing)! And, just like that BAM - Bob's your uncle! The cabinet was done. After two and a half hours!!
How it Ended
I'll be honest. I was pretty proud of myself for taking control of my anxiety and asking for help instead of having, what my mom would have called, a conniption fit.
When we went out to eat yesterday, I brought it up and he said he thought it was more frustration. My first instinct was to get irritated because I've always thought I had high anxiety. Instead, I (calmly) asked if he truly felt it was more of a frustration issue than anxiety and he said he did think that. Primarily because the process wasn't going as I had thought it probably should have and, while some anxiety was evident, it was far more likely that I just got very frustrated.
I took his comments to heart and did a Google search earlier today (because the interwebs know everything LOL) asking if anxiety and frustration could be the same thing. The general consensus is they aren't but they are deeply connected. The notes read that anxiety can manifest as frustration, anger or irritability because they both stem from our innate "fight or flight" stress response. It went on to say that unresolved anxiety can lead to feeling overwhelmed, which can lead to - you guessed it - anger, frustration or irritability. It really was interesting. In fact, I am going to go back and read more.
The Takeaway
What I learned is this. I AM getting better at seeing the warning signs of an anxiety spell (I hesitate to call it an attack as that sounds far worse that what I feel in that moment). I have four tattoos that are specifically meant to help me keep calmer and more balanced, as well. Sometimes, I'll catch myself rubbing one and I know I need to pay closer attention to that message.
Honestly, I have no idea who, if anyone, will read this, but I felt the need to share the experience and the lesson. Anxiety is not a disease or a wound that manifests externally and can be seen by others. I've had it all of my adult life, if not longer. It's something that isn't easily explained to others. It's something that I don't wish on anyone. It is something that I'll have small victories over more and more as time goes on, though.
Anyway, I guess I'll go finish moving stuff into my new cabinet with very solidly set in shelves.
And remember, it's all gonna be alright (thanks, Jelly Roll!).